Born in a place that had already witnessed enough blood and struggle, it impacted my childhood somehow or the other…Whenever I use to tell people I am from Assam, they would immediately relate it to words such as “ULFA.. Militancy.. disturbance, Bomb Blast” …. There are few places in India which I guess will primarily known for all wrong things, for e.g  Kashmir, first reaction from people is always militant and insecurity… but if you ask people born in there, they will give you a completely different picture… similar is the case with Assam..

I remember when I left home and went to WB to do my engineering  the only thing people use to ask me about Assam were ULFA, militancy, SULFA, bomb blast… I use to wonder why are they so hyper about it, these very words havebeen part of my life for the last 18 odd years. since the time I have understood life, I have seen Bomb Blasts, shootout between CRPF and ULFA, have seen multiple “Bandh” (Strike).. its normal, why to be so hyper about it. Once an inquisitive senior during an “introductory session” (often referred by mass as Ragging) asked, “ tui Assam theke, ooi khane to khub boma baji hoi na” { you are from Assam, in that place Bomb Blast happens very frequently right}.  I said with a touch of frustration “ Ha hoi, eromo hoi che je ami ekta ilaka cross kore chi aar tar thik 5 min bade bomb blast hoi che, but akhon ar matter kore na, or bomb pothaye, amara pass diye chole jai” { yeah it happens, it also happened with me that I have cross one locality and after 5 odd minutes there’s been a bomb blast in that place. But now it doesn’t matter much, they keep bombing and we keep walking around it.} He gave a shocked look and left the room.

Not his fault, not sure whose fault it is either… all I know is that Assam is not about just ULFA and militancy and Bomb Blast.. its not just about the Bangladeshi insurgency and the Assam tea, there is more to it… the people, the culture, Shillong (Meghalaya)  is one of the most beautiful hill station in India, but I guess its human nature to only focus on the wrong side of the story rather than looking at the other possible plus points.

There’s been time when I haven’t reacted strongly against a bomb blast or militancy attack.. I haven’t voiced opinion as this is wrong and gruesome act by xyz… I haven’t, yes I haven’t may be coz since childhood I have seen enough blood shed, enough loss of lives..

It’s not that I don’t feel for them, I do and may be more than many other people, coz I have lost two of my school friend in the Oct 2008 serial bomb blast in Guwahati.. and one of them was about to get married to his Girlfriend same year December time frame.. When I went to meet the girl, she was shattered, she said we fought everything and everyone for the last 7 years to reach this stage, but never learned to fight death, how do anyone fight death.. I had no answer to it..  Infact when I was in school there was Bomb blast which if would have happened say 15-20 minutes earlier, I would not have seating here and writing today.

The point I want to ask everyone is, I have witnessed bomb blast since childhood, I have seen violence, Military patrolling the city on a regular basis, have seen dad sending me to tuition and school in his office car coz of security reason.. have seen my school friend whose dad served the Army coming with body guard and they didn’t allow him to play cricket with us coz of security concerns, have seen blood on the road for days.. have seen dead bodies minus some parts been taken away.… have grown with such issues, so today when I do see bomb blast or bandh (Strike) been called or militancy issue, I don’t react instantly.. at times I don’t react only… its like by default these things have become a part of my life.. I might come across as a moron who doesn’t care about lives of other and a jerk.. But it’s just that I am more patience towards reacting to such sensitive issues.. or you can say clueless about how to react… whatever it is.. am I wrong??

But you know what my biggest scare is, will my children grown up with same feeling, coz what I have witnessed in one ignored part of the country, I can see it spreading across the nation. The terrorist activities, Bomb blast across all cities, every now and then High alert across the country.. the picture doesn’t look to bright.. will today’s generation also grow up with similar feeling, accepting bomb blast, terrorism etc as a regular default part of their life… that is one of my biggest scare and worry..

P.S – Though I must admit that things have changed drastically since the time I have come out of home and I am hoping that the change is positive…  Assam is a wonderful place and a must visit for people who haven’t gone there… just don’t go there for Tea gardens there is more to it.. specially the people of assam are among the sweetest I have ever come across…  go experience the beauty..

I will leave you with few pics of Ma Kamakhaya temple, one of the most famous and known religious temple… and few pics of Guwahati…

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“Happy Anniversary dear,  You liked the Dress I kept on the table”

“Happy Anniversary, Yeah it is nice, will wear it in the evening party, thank you. Hope your flight is on time, you know na party starts sharp at 10:00”.

“Yup I have boarded the flight and it seems to be on time, In fact here comes the announcement to switch off the cell, will call you once I am back, bye.. Happy Anniversary once again”

“ok Safe journey, bye.. Come soon”.

Today marks the 5th anniversary of our marriage, one of the best thing that has happened to me. Never really imagined that God would be so kind to me and would gift me with such a wonderful wife… its been a journey worth every minute of it…

She has an uncanny neck of understanding everything even before me uttering a word, by just looking in my eyes she will know what exactly it is…

Everything seemed perfect minus the guilt that I have carried deep inside my heart for the last 5 years.  It’s dangerous how sometime our inner most wish comes true and hits us in turn.  At time knowingly or unknowingly we wish for something and when it does come true, we end up realizing that it was probably a wish not worth wishing for.

I have known Ria for close to about 8 years now… still remember the day when we meet at my friend’s place, we chatted like anything. It was the time when I was trying to leave behind my past and move on in life and she was planning for her PhD. As destiny or whatever it is called have it, we ended up being on the same city, my new job and her new college… life seemed to be on track with her company.. somehow I was able to move on in life minus the past memories and thoughts.. she filled my life with new gist and excitement…  and somehow I allowed myself to be moved away by her warmth and love..slowly but surely she occupied the important spot in my heart which was void for sometime now..often people term the whole feeling as “falling in love”..

I didn’t let her know about my feelings .. I wanted to take my time and not rush into it unlike last time… But as faith will have it, when I thought its the right time to tell her, she introduced me to her Boyfriend…

So that was it, end of another incomplete love story of mine, I suppressed my feeling and continued to be her good friend…never allowed my feeling come in between our friendship. Was a tough job, but I managed well… But every time her Boyfriend would come, or she would speaks to him.. somehow not sure why but one side of my heart use to wish that something should happen and they should have a break-off, or the guy might die before the marriage and I will end up marrying her.. something should happen.. though soon the other side of me use to interfere and like a good chap use to say I should not be thinking like that, so mean of me and similar stuff… and mostly my heart use to end up been a sandwich between such thoughts…

But I guess deep down I always wished that I could have her in my life as my life partner, in the process I use to end up wishing bad things for the guy…. Deep down somewhere, I always use to wish that something should happen, something that will ensure that this time my love doesn’t fail… and one fine day my deep desire came true… my deepest wish was granted……  The guy died in an unfortunate event…

Ria did not broke down, she has always been a strong woman.. her love towards him was so deep that even death or probably my dark deep wish, couldn’t knock it off …. He lived in her heart forever.. she never cried, never complained, surely she was hurt and was in a state of shock, but she never expressed her feeling to anyone, not even to me, but I knew her, her eyes told me the whole story… I knew what she is been going through, I know her..

She always told me that no one can replace him and his love, I still remember she said “love is not just about the physical presence, there is more to it, something which is so divine that even if the person physically is not there, you still feel the warmth”… true that is, may be my love is not that pure, or may be it is, but probably the greed inside me forced me to wish something so dread full… I don’t know what it is, but whatever it is… deep inside I am guilty of a crime which knowingly or unknowingly I committed.

We eventually got Married; she has been a wonderful wife, understanding, adjusting, have taken care of both my family and hers with equal ease.  I seriously couldn’t have asked for a better companion… but still the love is missing.. the love that I saw in her eye for the guy, the love that I always wanted to see in her eye for me… but I have accepted the role of a best friend…She always loved me, even though as a friend only, but she did.. I am her best friend first and husband later…. I wish one day I could get rid of the inner albatross of the wish which unknowingly I wished…   I Wish one day I can see the same love in her eye, which I always wanted to see….

Some love stories are known for their incompleteness… both mine and Ria’s love story is one such..