The Door

Posted: November 13, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

 I kept looking towards the Door, the door which opened up a huge volcanic turmoil inside my mind and heart. She never looked back after crossing the door, making an impression, it’s all over. I was unable to think a life after her, was unable to look at the obvious, life has come to a standstill. She is gone, so is the glimpse of chance which I had to win her back. She might not come back again and all the efforts I made to get her back will be null and void. More importantly she won’t be there. The traffic, the drive, the bad, the Biriyani shop, the late night parties, everything seems to have lost its meaning today. I kept looking towards the transparent door hoping she will turn back one last time, giving me the hope that there is more to life. She kept walking and my vision was getting a little hazy coz of the slight outburst of emotion, but still firmly rooted on her. She was at a good distance and my hope was lingering on very thin line by now, as if this end was inevitable. All I wanted to tell her was “I do love you” but then I have always been bad with expression and hence never could tell her these word with enough conviction.                                                  Image

She was about to reach the end of the hall after which she will just vanish, vanish into zone of no return. Mind said; its pack-up, heart said: hang on for that fraction of sec longer. While the ordeal between mind and heart was on going, I realized that she stopped. For the 1st time after entering through the door she paused and much to my surprise, she turned back. Her eyes searching for me with a belief that I am still around. And our eye’s meet, she smiled and vanished.

Life got a new meaning from that moment onwards. Hope had a new meaning. 


It was raining heavily in Bangalore, but that wasn’t a good excuse to drop out of Friend’s last bachelor’s party. I have never really looked forward to parties especially after a hectic week at work, but somehow even though I wasn’t really interested I still wanted to go and meet all old buddies.

Places like Pub/ Lounge has fascinated me somehow, there are many untold stories which are clouded in the dim, loud, energetic ambience. It’s always interesting to keep an eye on people behaviors and reaction. While some are purely chit chatting with friends, some are flirting, some are eyeing someone else, some are busy dancing on the tune of DJ, some are in group yet lonely, some are searching of answer as in why are they there and some are purely busy drinking. Interesting characters and every character has a story, untold unheard stories.

While I was navigating my eyes through the whole Lounge, something stuck me real bad. Someone has just decided to shower all the love on me; Yup couple of glasses of drinks were thrown down my back. I turned around to see a 5’2” tall, dressed in a lovely black suit, round face with a tiny mole on the left cheek, lovely big eyes with an embarrassed look and a realization that she has messed up big time, and those wonderful lips which were covered in light red lipstick uttering “Sorry” in an ever so lite tone, giving impressing as if she is saying sorry to herself only. For a second I forgot was has happened and kept looking at her, or should I say staring at her. Its not that she is drastically different than other beautiful girls I have meet, but there was something special about her, something divine, something beyond the looks, something that is beyond logical explanation. It’s only when her friend came and shouted “OHH My GOD” on top of her voice that I realized what actually has happened.  And Before I could actually say something, she spoke and the resonance of her voice is still stuck in my ear.

“ I am so sorry, I was just picking up the drink and was trying to go, when someone just hit me and I lost my balance and this happened”.

“I am extremely sorry”. I just kept staring at her for a while, before regaining sense.

Not sure if it would have been anyone else what my reaction would have been, but with her I just couldn’t be rude.

“Don’t worry, it happens. More than anything else your drink got wasted”. I replied with a smile.

“No that’s ok, but your shirt, I guess you will need to change, I spoiled your night”. She was extremely apologetic of her act, while I was still lost in those lovely eyes. And her friend’s constant blabbering was conveniently ignored by both of us.

Much to her amazement, I simple took off my shirt. Yeah for a second she was wondering what the hell is wrong with me, why I am taking of my shirt in public. But I am a smart ass, I was wearing a turtle neck black t-shirt inside, which though was wet, thanks to the drink, but since it was dark color, nothing would be noticeable, plus half the crowed was drunk to notice anything.

“Here is the solution to your problem. There is a saying in business always keep “Plan B” ready”. I replied to her with a wink.

And then when she smiled, it felt life is worth living, worth the episode, worth every bit of a second.

Smiling she said “I am sorry again and nice plan B”. I couldn’t utter a word; I was stuck by the lighting of her smile. As she started to walk off, there was this sinking feeling inside me which was saying something isn’t right. I had to do something to stop her and without thinking much, I said “Lady, my shirt is gone, so is your drink, why don’t we do a joint venture and you buy me a drink for loss of my shirt and I buy you a drink for loss of your drink”. I know I lost it completely there, wasn’t sure what the hell I was saying, but I had to prolong the conversation with her.

She stopped, looked at me with a lost expression, smiled and said “Ok”.

With that “Ok” began a small random friendship, I am cherishing since last couple of weeks. During this brief period even though I manage to meet her couple of time, got to know a little bit about her and her family and most importantly the fact the she already likes someone else and but obviously that person also likes her (Which fool won’t like a Gal like her) and few other stuff, but I couldn’t proceed from being a random acquaintance to being a decent enough friend. She use to reply to me always but it felt more as if she is replying coz she doesn’t want to be rude to anyone rather than someone who is interested in a conversation.

I don’t know why but for her I am always ready to go that extra mile, ready to do that extra bit, not sure why I keep looking at my phone checking if she is online or not, wishing that she text me, hoping she will ping me, weird as it may sound even after knowing the final result, this bloody heart have created a separate space for her.

All I can say I am enjoying the moment, its pains a lot, but I love the pain. It’s not the first time this has happened, but last time it took me time to start enjoying the pain. This time though right from the inception I am enjoying the pain associated with this feeling. All through my life, I never categorized my feeling as right or wrong, all I knew is if I feel for someone (which happens extremely rarely, this is just the 2nd time) I won’t let the feeling die just cause it didn’t converted into something materialistic. My feelings are not associated with the relation I share with the person. Hence while it might pain a little, I will continue to be the acquaintance I have been to her so far. And will continue to enjoy this pain and feeling.

Not all stories have an end :), this one especially won’t end so soon.

Was listening to the “Aahatein” song and was wondering why this particular line got stuck with me. There was some connection but was not sure what it was. Since last few weeks there was something missing, something which was not coming in front but I could feel it.

Every time I listened to the ‘Aahatein” song, I use to re play it only for this particular line. Yes everything in life is same, nothing has changed and nothing will change. In fact everything has been good and on track, but suddenly there was something that was missing, something that would have made the moment complete.

Success has no meaning if the reason behind it doesn’t exits any more. There were certain promises I made to someone sometime back and today when I have almost fulfilled all the promises, I can feel the void. One of the biggest reasons for the success somehow has got lost. The inspiration, the support, the believer that I can achieve it, is not there by my side. Yup Uski Aahatein nahi hai.

I wish I could once tell that person that I have achieve something which even I would not have imagined few years ago. It was the belief of that person, love and confidence in me that I have reached so far. Unfortunately I can never express to this person the feeling of mine. Just don’t want to complicate things for anyone hence I will never say directly. But if I can then via this post I would like to thank that person for everything he/she has done for me. Very less people has that impact on you that even after them not being with you in reality, you still feel their presence every min of your life.

Sanju was tested HIV positive few month back, ever since then, she has lost her job, her relatives have turn their back towards her, her friends have disowned her, strange but that’s how people react with people who are suffering from AIDS. Still she didn’t gave up, she fought it out, for herself, and for Rhea. Woman I tell you, they have super power, when they take it upon them to challenge and win something they invariably end up winning it. Strangely even after all this I have never heard Sanju saying anything against Raghu, yes she at times did crib about why he left him and that day why he came back, but she never really hated him or forgot him.

Raghu and she meet after a gap for 3 years, during these 3 years they were not in touch. After that meeting, they kept meeting each other for few days and Raghu was extremely happy to see rhea. One day it seems Raghu landed at her place completely drunk and confessed to her that he really missed her and how much he loved her and want her back in his life. She was very happy and in the flow of emotions probably both unknowingly committed a mistake which they shouldn’t have. Raghu left the next day and never came back. Sanju tried reaching to him but in vain. One fine day Raghu dropped a mail confessing the fact that he is HIV positive and whatever happened that night was not intentional. She was unable to trace him after that mail; she was worried about his well begin but couldn’t trace him, till the day when she was informed by a common friend that Raghu is no more.

I was with her during the course of 1 year she survived. Initially she was stubborn and didn’t want to take any of my help, but slowly she gave up, my perseverance won against her stubbornness. I dedicated all my time to her, I was anyways guilty of not being there with her when I should have. I would finish work and meet sanju and rhea at their place and we would go out have a good time and this continued for a while. But one day sanju called me to come and see her as soon as possible, she was in hospital. I was scared so left everything and rushed to her hospital.  I clearly remember each and every word which she said to me that day;

“Adi all these day, I have been fighting this virus with zeal and strength coz I was worried about the well being of my daughter Rhea, every day I would ask myself what will happen to her after me. Why should rhea face the brunt of my mistakes? It was my decision to give birth to her when no one agreed to it, then today how can I leave her all alone. I use to ask God that he has anyways given me punishment of my deeds, he should not do this to my daughter, she hasn’t done anything. (her voice chocked and eyes were moist).”

“Adi I know if in this life I can trust someone and can rely on someone it is you. I know if anyone is there who can fill in my place in rhea’s life it has to be you. You always asked me how can I love Raghu so much and how my love for him is reflected in every word of mine. I guess I have learned it from you. Yes you adi, right since childhood till today you have taught me what love is all about. The way you supported me in every sphere of life, the pureness of your love inspired me every time.  Even when you were not there with me I could sense your love and always knew that whenever I will fall back on you, you will always support me. Adi I have never been able to give you the love you deserved, I am sorry. My love for Raghu is nothing in front of your love for me. And hence I know you are the perfect person who can replace me in Rhea’s life. I want you to accept Rhea and give her all the love that you have showered on me. I know I am being selfish and burdening you with a responsibility that you might not want to take, but I have no other option Adi. Only one request, never let rhea hate her father, I don’t want rhea to hate her father”.

Strange is this thing called “love”, one moment it gives you so much strength and the other moment it makes you extremely vulnerable. Sanju said she could not give me the love that I deserved, but she gave me her most lovable thing, and my life’s biggest asset. Yes I loved sanju ever since childhood, but could never confess to her, but I guess love cannot be hidden. Even without me speaking a single word, she knew about my feelings. I promised Sanju that I will love Rhea more than I ever loved her.

Sanju gave her life for love, I dedicated my life to love, stupid as it may sound, some love stories are beyond any logical parameters.

Today when I am stepping out to hand over my asset in the hands of another guy, I am going through mixed emotions. I am happy that I have been able to keep my word to sanju and at the same time sad that now I will be all alone all over again.

Life is a vicious journey, you end where you started.

“Dad, you will be there on time na, please don’t be late”.

“Yes Darling I will be there on time, don’t worry”.

“Dad when it comes to being on time and you, its seriously very worrying”.

“Oye…” (in a slightly firm voice)

“Hahahaha, see you soon Dad, you are the best.. love you”.

“Love u darling, catch you soon”.

Time flies, its been almost 22 years now since Rhea entered my life, yet it feels like yesterday when I hold her for the first time. The little girl has grown up fast, in all most all aspects. All these years she has been more of a mother than daughter, only when it came to her boyfriends that I got the chance to be her Father, scaring most of the guys away like a possessive father. And here I am today going to meet Anurag’s (her Mr. Right) family and talk about their marriage. Phew… feeling a little odd, probably for the first time it has stuck me that soon she will start her own family, its time for me to hand over the little hand which I took in my hand 22 years back to the hand of another guy, with a believe and faith that he will take care of it for the rest of their life.

22 years back I had promised Sanju that I will take full responsibility of Rhea and will ensure she never miss the fact that her mother is not with her. I have tried my best to make sure every wish of Rhea is taken care of and to ensure that she grows up to become the girl Sanju always wanted her to be.  Sanju was a brave girl, stood by whatever she believed and stood by her love throughout her life, in fact till the last breath. She had that aggression in her to take it on against the social norms and stand by what is correct without worrying about the actual consequences. I see the same spark in Rhea, same grace, same intensity, same aggression similar smile, similar stubborn nature, extremely sweet from heart, very understanding and rarely demanding. Every time I see rhea I think she is just the replica of her mother. The only noticeable difference is that Rhea is slightly more matured than Sanju ever was, may be something she has inherited from Raghu, her father. I never meet Raghu, but I know almost everything about him thanks to Sanju. Whenever Sanju use to speak about him I could actually see the love and deep attachment in every word. She really madly loved him and one reason why even after lots of social pressure she never aborted Rhea.

For me sanju defines love. I have known sanju since school days, we grew up together, we were each others best friend, shared almost everything. She was my biggest support. As we grew older especially after college, we drifted apart, majorly coz of my own stupid mistakes and male ego. We were out of touch for about 8 years… All these while, I had no clue about where she was and what she was doing. Just kept waiting for her, hoping someday our path we cross and we will speak again. And that’s exactly what happened, our path crossed when we meet in Kolkata airport. Both a little surprised to see each other and both a little uncomfortable and formal, but we spoke finally after a gap of 8 years. Even though it was formal hello hi and how are you, it was worth the wait and patience I have kept all these years. We added each other on gtalk, so that way we again started having regular conversations. That’s when she told me about Raghu, her marriage, divorce and Rhea.

It was cataclysmic to listen to all the pains she has gone through all these years, yet she stood by what she believed was right. She got married to Raghu against her families wish, they were together for 3 years and then Raghu left her when she was 2 month pregnant, for the last 2 year she has been taking care of Rhea all by her own. She didn’t aborted Rhea, something every one suggested nor did she married someone else, neither she had any complaints against Raghu, her love for him was so pure that she never hated him, even after coming to know that he has gifted her Death as a tribute to her love. Yes Death, Sanju was suffering from AIDS.

Mom and Dad: I love You

Posted: May 20, 2010 in Emotional
Tags: , , ,

How often you people tell your mom and dad that how much you love them, you care for them and miss them? For most of you it might be very often, for some it might be on special occasions, for others on and off. For me it has been 26 years and I have never told my parents specifically that “Mom and Dad: I love You”. May be coz I am not the expressive kind, I am pathetic when it comes to expression of feelings, but they always understand when I miss them and need them, they know how much dependent I am on them and they know how much I love them. So never really, felt the need to tell them.

I guess one does not need to express everything in words when it comes to parents. It’s been more than 8 year since I am out of home, all of my own. During the 4 years of engineering I still use to visit home almost 2-3 times a year. But after that it’s been mostly once a year, but I don’t see anything changing. My mom still thinks I am still the undisciplined kid when it comes to food, dad still gives me his invaluable lectures, especially regarding my bank balance. Nothing has really changed in the last 26 years when it comes to their approach towards me and probably my approach towards them.

There are thing that have changed though, they have grown old and I have gained certain level of maturity. Amidst this, there are few other critical changes too; Mom no longer gets curious when I get calls especially from girls. She won’t chase me if I say that I am going to meet some of the friends who eventually are girls. She does not mind me coming home late, now she even asks me directly if I have any girlfriend, something I could not have imagined 8 years back. And much to my disbelief she was not even surprised when my di told her that I am having beer in front of di and bro in law (something in our family younger siblings don’t do usually). Mom just made a sweet pass on that comment and said “aai sob ki bolche didibhai” (what is your elder sister saying!). Dad on the other hand has been consistent with his behaviour, if earlier he use to lecture me on my studies, now he does on my bank balance and savings. Dad has been always a get inspiration for me, simply the way he has lead his life and they way he has achieved everything in life. I do not think I can ever be as disciplined as he is even at this age regarding all sphere of life.

A friend of mine once told me that he is quitting his job in Mumbai and going back to Kolkata. I was slightly surprised and furious as in how can someone quite a good job with excellent growth prospect and go back to Kolkata and join a small comp. He told me that he might be getting good salary, his future prospect is bright here, he might be getting an on-site opportunity soon, but at the end of the day when he comes back home, he is not happy from within. So he has decided to choose happiness over money and growth. He said I know what I am capable off and I know I will do good in life, but for me doing good doesn’t mean earning in dollar’s, my priorities are different. That point of time I thought he has lost it, today I can understand what he meant. He knew his priorities; he knew what he was doing. Today he is working in a reputed IT firm and is happy eternally.

My dad is in his late 60ies, and he is not going to be any younger henceforth, given a chance I too would like to maximize my time with my parents today. They will not like to shift with me in Mumbai. It does not make any sense at all, after all it took dad so many year to build that house and he has lived all his life in Guwahati, at this age he will not like to resettle himself in an unknown city all over again. Moreover, I cannot go back to Guwahati for obvious reasons. Therefore, it leaves us with one option to meet each other once a year for few days, limiting our time with each other. I wonder is that time enough. I am not sure how much time actually is enough. However, I know this much that whatever time I have, I want to maximize it to the fullest. I do not want to end up regretting after 30 years from here, that I did not spend enough time with my parents, especially when I should have. Most often than not we tend to make this mistake, we get busy with our lives so much that we take things for granted easily. Then one fine end we realize our mistakes and it is often too late. In practical sense, it is not easy to balance everything; career, office, parents, friends, wife/gf, but happy man’s/woman’s are the ones who know the balancing art and execute it with ease.

Today I take this opportunity to tell my parents; “Mom and Dad: I love you”.  As I said before certain feeling do not require the expression of words but then there is no harm in it right? Whenever you get a chance, do express your love toward your parents  via which ever format you want, be it words or some other medium, can be anything but do express it. It will not only make your parents smile, it will make you feel happy from within.

Wo Twitter Aur Ghost

Posted: March 28, 2010 in Uncategorized
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This post is about an interesting encounter someone had in twitter sometime back. Whether you believe in this story or not, is solely upto your discretion.  Do remember… “What we see might not always be true and what we don’t see doesn’t necessarily mean that it does not exist”.

Adi came to me few months back; he said he has an unusual story to tell. Ever since I have known him, all his stories have been unusual. Adi was a struggling writer, he wanted to make it big in the world of Cinema and television…he has written many scripts and mostly all has been rejected, so he always kept coming with his unique stories and I had to listen to his “similar” unique stories mostly.

However, that day was different, he came and rather than speaking about his new script or story idea, he told me that he has been talking to this female on twitter for some time now. For him it started as a normal regular conversation but slowly their likes and dislike matched, so did their creative interest. He also had spoken to her over phone couple of times and he kinda liked her voice and all. I was slightly amazed, coz it’s been more than 6 month now since Adi spoke to any strange girl, especially after the death of his girlfriend. He has been mentally disturbed since Piya died {one reason why I do not show any irritation to his constant emotional ranting}. He also has been visiting a psychiatrist on a regular basis, so I felt good that he might be coming in terms with life, and felt relieved for his parent’s, who has been dishing out a lot of money behind his medication and paying the hefty bill for the psychiatrist visits.

Then came the twist in the tale, he said after few telephonic conversation, they planned to meet each other one day. However, when he reached the address given by the girl, it turned out to be a church that was adjacent to a graveyard. When he called her up to figure out where she is, she asked him to come towards a particular graveyard. He did accordingly, only to find a dark road leading to the graveyard. He was a little scared as in it was extremely dark and dead silent, he did manage to gather his courage and move on with help from his mobile. As he went closer toward the graveyard, he could see some light few meters away, he decided to move toward the direction of light. While walking, all he could hear was his own footstep, his own breath and nothing else, in fact apart from that particular slight of light everything else was dark black. As he moved closer, his mobile died on him. His only other source of light in that dark grave yard was no longer with him, and left him with no other option then to find out his girl. He kept moving toward the direction of light shouting her name, but there was no response from anyone. After walking few meters, he again shouted her name, and it seems this time she replied. He started running towards the direction of the sound from where he heard her, as he wanted to rich there faster but suddenly he stopped and started running back toward the direction from where he came.

By this time I could see him sweating badly, I offered him some cold water and coke to chill-out. He then told me that when he went closer towards her, he could see a female sitting near the graveyard with her back toward him, when he went a little closer and she turned around at him and smiled…………after that all he did was he run as fast as he can toward the direction from where he came in…

Now that’s odd, for me the whole story was a fake imaginative stuff, I mean after all he is a creative nerd and I have heard many of this wired stories, this one sounded no different.. However, I could not tell him that on his face. So, when I asked for explanation he just told me that he will die in few days’ time. That sounded even more wired to me, die in few days’ time.. so that female was some god’s angel or something… what the crap, probably my practical sense did not allow me to take any of his word seriously, even his death sentence.

He also told me that the female was not for real, it seems she never existed… after that meeting he could not retrieved any information about her. It seems all her tweets were deleted, her phone number was wrong, her messages were not there, her fb a/c page was not there.. so much so that when he asked other common follower about her, it seems no one ever interacted with her.. All these details scared me a bit, after all I just saw karthik calling karthik.. could this be another similar case… well I was very sure about that fact that the whole story is his imagination and a world he created.. till the time when I got the news that he died…

I was shocked and was told by his parents that during the last few months, all the time, he kept telling them that he will die.. he will die soon… they tried doing every bit to save him, and he did show sign of improvement.. he behaved very normally but on and off would tell them that they should not try and spend too much money on him or have false hope that he will survive.

He eventually died, and with him died some unanswered question, did he actually meet any such woman? Was everything his imagination? Could this be because he was mentally unstable and have previously attempted suicide? Why did he felt he will die, as per him she just smiled at him, did the girl he meet at the graveyard actually told him anything? How could everything get deleted? I am sure there would some record something? And why didn’t I ask him the name of the girl, he never mentioned and I never asked? Was she a ghost? Do ghost actually exits? How do you know the person you are interacting with on any social networking site is actually real? What if one fine day you get to know that the person you have been speaking too all this while is dead since a long time? Will anyone believe you that you actually spoke to that person, even if you are speaking the truth? Does our practical sense prevents us from thinking the unimaginative? Too many questions, whose ans I don’t think anyone has, if you have, drop me a line…..