Sab kuch wahi hai…. Par kuch kami hai… teri Aahatein nahi hai!!!

Was listening to the “Aahatein” song and was wondering why this particular line got stuck with me. There was some connection but was not sure what it was. Since last few weeks there was something missing, something which was not coming in front but I could feel it.

Every time I listened to the ‘Aahatein” song, I use to re play it only for this particular line. Yes everything in life is same, nothing has changed and nothing will change. In fact everything has been good and on track, but suddenly there was something that was missing, something that would have made the moment complete.

Success has no meaning if the reason behind it doesn’t exits any more. There were certain promises I made to someone sometime back and today when I have almost fulfilled all the promises, I can feel the void. One of the biggest reasons for the success somehow has got lost. The inspiration, the support, the believer that I can achieve it, is not there by my side. Yup Uski Aahatein nahi hai.

I wish I could once tell that person that I have achieve something which even I would not have imagined few years ago. It was the belief of that person, love and confidence in me that I have reached so far. Unfortunately I can never express to this person the feeling of mine. Just don’t want to complicate things for anyone hence I will never say directly. But if I can then via this post I would like to thank that person for everything he/she has done for me. Very less people has that impact on you that even after them not being with you in reality, you still feel their presence every min of your life.

Life : A Vicious Circle (Part 2/2)

Sanju was tested HIV positive few month back, ever since then, she has lost her job, her relatives have turn their back towards her, her friends have disowned her, strange but that’s how people react with people who are suffering from AIDS. Still she didn’t gave up, she fought it out, for herself, and for Rhea. Woman I tell you, they have super power, when they take it upon them to challenge and win something they invariably end up winning it. Strangely even after all this I have never heard Sanju saying anything against Raghu, yes she at times did crib about why he left him and that day why he came back, but she never really hated him or forgot him.

Raghu and she meet after a gap for 3 years, during these 3 years they were not in touch. After that meeting, they kept meeting each other for few days and Raghu was extremely happy to see rhea. One day it seems Raghu landed at her place completely drunk and confessed to her that he really missed her and how much he loved her and want her back in his life. She was very happy and in the flow of emotions probably both unknowingly committed a mistake which they shouldn’t have. Raghu left the next day and never came back. Sanju tried reaching to him but in vain. One fine day Raghu dropped a mail confessing the fact that he is HIV positive and whatever happened that night was not intentional. She was unable to trace him after that mail; she was worried about his well begin but couldn’t trace him, till the day when she was informed by a common friend that Raghu is no more.

I was with her during the course of 1 year she survived. Initially she was stubborn and didn’t want to take any of my help, but slowly she gave up, my perseverance won against her stubbornness. I dedicated all my time to her, I was anyways guilty of not being there with her when I should have. I would finish work and meet sanju and rhea at their place and we would go out have a good time and this continued for a while. But one day sanju called me to come and see her as soon as possible, she was in hospital. I was scared so left everything and rushed to her hospital.  I clearly remember each and every word which she said to me that day;

“Adi all these day, I have been fighting this virus with zeal and strength coz I was worried about the well being of my daughter Rhea, every day I would ask myself what will happen to her after me. Why should rhea face the brunt of my mistakes? It was my decision to give birth to her when no one agreed to it, then today how can I leave her all alone. I use to ask God that he has anyways given me punishment of my deeds, he should not do this to my daughter, she hasn’t done anything. (her voice chocked and eyes were moist).”

“Adi I know if in this life I can trust someone and can rely on someone it is you. I know if anyone is there who can fill in my place in rhea’s life it has to be you. You always asked me how can I love Raghu so much and how my love for him is reflected in every word of mine. I guess I have learned it from you. Yes you adi, right since childhood till today you have taught me what love is all about. The way you supported me in every sphere of life, the pureness of your love inspired me every time.  Even when you were not there with me I could sense your love and always knew that whenever I will fall back on you, you will always support me. Adi I have never been able to give you the love you deserved, I am sorry. My love for Raghu is nothing in front of your love for me. And hence I know you are the perfect person who can replace me in Rhea’s life. I want you to accept Rhea and give her all the love that you have showered on me. I know I am being selfish and burdening you with a responsibility that you might not want to take, but I have no other option Adi. Only one request, never let rhea hate her father, I don’t want rhea to hate her father”.

Strange is this thing called “love”, one moment it gives you so much strength and the other moment it makes you extremely vulnerable. Sanju said she could not give me the love that I deserved, but she gave me her most lovable thing, and my life’s biggest asset. Yes I loved sanju ever since childhood, but could never confess to her, but I guess love cannot be hidden. Even without me speaking a single word, she knew about my feelings. I promised Sanju that I will love Rhea more than I ever loved her.

Sanju gave her life for love, I dedicated my life to love, stupid as it may sound, some love stories are beyond any logical parameters.

Today when I am stepping out to hand over my asset in the hands of another guy, I am going through mixed emotions. I am happy that I have been able to keep my word to sanju and at the same time sad that now I will be all alone all over again.

Life is a vicious journey, you end where you started.

Life : A Vicious Circle (Part 1/2)

“Dad, you will be there on time na, please don’t be late”.

“Yes Darling I will be there on time, don’t worry”.

“Dad when it comes to being on time and you, its seriously very worrying”.

“Oye…” (in a slightly firm voice)

“Hahahaha, see you soon Dad, you are the best.. love you”.

“Love u darling, catch you soon”.

Time flies, its been almost 22 years now since Rhea entered my life, yet it feels like yesterday when I hold her for the first time. The little girl has grown up fast, in all most all aspects. All these years she has been more of a mother than daughter, only when it came to her boyfriends that I got the chance to be her Father, scaring most of the guys away like a possessive father. And here I am today going to meet Anurag’s (her Mr. Right) family and talk about their marriage. Phew… feeling a little odd, probably for the first time it has stuck me that soon she will start her own family, its time for me to hand over the little hand which I took in my hand 22 years back to the hand of another guy, with a believe and faith that he will take care of it for the rest of their life.

22 years back I had promised Sanju that I will take full responsibility of Rhea and will ensure she never miss the fact that her mother is not with her. I have tried my best to make sure every wish of Rhea is taken care of and to ensure that she grows up to become the girl Sanju always wanted her to be.  Sanju was a brave girl, stood by whatever she believed and stood by her love throughout her life, in fact till the last breath. She had that aggression in her to take it on against the social norms and stand by what is correct without worrying about the actual consequences. I see the same spark in Rhea, same grace, same intensity, same aggression similar smile, similar stubborn nature, extremely sweet from heart, very understanding and rarely demanding. Every time I see rhea I think she is just the replica of her mother. The only noticeable difference is that Rhea is slightly more matured than Sanju ever was, may be something she has inherited from Raghu, her father. I never meet Raghu, but I know almost everything about him thanks to Sanju. Whenever Sanju use to speak about him I could actually see the love and deep attachment in every word. She really madly loved him and one reason why even after lots of social pressure she never aborted Rhea.

For me sanju defines love. I have known sanju since school days, we grew up together, we were each others best friend, shared almost everything. She was my biggest support. As we grew older especially after college, we drifted apart, majorly coz of my own stupid mistakes and male ego. We were out of touch for about 8 years… All these while, I had no clue about where she was and what she was doing. Just kept waiting for her, hoping someday our path we cross and we will speak again. And that’s exactly what happened, our path crossed when we meet in Kolkata airport. Both a little surprised to see each other and both a little uncomfortable and formal, but we spoke finally after a gap of 8 years. Even though it was formal hello hi and how are you, it was worth the wait and patience I have kept all these years. We added each other on gtalk, so that way we again started having regular conversations. That’s when she told me about Raghu, her marriage, divorce and Rhea.

It was cataclysmic to listen to all the pains she has gone through all these years, yet she stood by what she believed was right. She got married to Raghu against her families wish, they were together for 3 years and then Raghu left her when she was 2 month pregnant, for the last 2 year she has been taking care of Rhea all by her own. She didn’t aborted Rhea, something every one suggested nor did she married someone else, neither she had any complaints against Raghu, her love for him was so pure that she never hated him, even after coming to know that he has gifted her Death as a tribute to her love. Yes Death, Sanju was suffering from AIDS.

Mom and Dad: I love You

How often you people tell your mom and dad that how much you love them, you care for them and miss them? For most of you it might be very often, for some it might be on special occasions, for others on and off. For me it has been 26 years and I have never told my parents specifically that “Mom and Dad: I love You”. May be coz I am not the expressive kind, I am pathetic when it comes to expression of feelings, but they always understand when I miss them and need them, they know how much dependent I am on them and they know how much I love them. So never really, felt the need to tell them.

I guess one does not need to express everything in words when it comes to parents. It’s been more than 8 year since I am out of home, all of my own. During the 4 years of engineering I still use to visit home almost 2-3 times a year. But after that it’s been mostly once a year, but I don’t see anything changing. My mom still thinks I am still the undisciplined kid when it comes to food, dad still gives me his invaluable lectures, especially regarding my bank balance. Nothing has really changed in the last 26 years when it comes to their approach towards me and probably my approach towards them.

There are thing that have changed though, they have grown old and I have gained certain level of maturity. Amidst this, there are few other critical changes too; Mom no longer gets curious when I get calls especially from girls. She won’t chase me if I say that I am going to meet some of the friends who eventually are girls. She does not mind me coming home late, now she even asks me directly if I have any girlfriend, something I could not have imagined 8 years back. And much to my disbelief she was not even surprised when my di told her that I am having beer in front of di and bro in law (something in our family younger siblings don’t do usually). Mom just made a sweet pass on that comment and said “aai sob ki bolche didibhai” (what is your elder sister saying!). Dad on the other hand has been consistent with his behaviour, if earlier he use to lecture me on my studies, now he does on my bank balance and savings. Dad has been always a get inspiration for me, simply the way he has lead his life and they way he has achieved everything in life. I do not think I can ever be as disciplined as he is even at this age regarding all sphere of life.

A friend of mine once told me that he is quitting his job in Mumbai and going back to Kolkata. I was slightly surprised and furious as in how can someone quite a good job with excellent growth prospect and go back to Kolkata and join a small comp. He told me that he might be getting good salary, his future prospect is bright here, he might be getting an on-site opportunity soon, but at the end of the day when he comes back home, he is not happy from within. So he has decided to choose happiness over money and growth. He said I know what I am capable off and I know I will do good in life, but for me doing good doesn’t mean earning in dollar’s, my priorities are different. That point of time I thought he has lost it, today I can understand what he meant. He knew his priorities; he knew what he was doing. Today he is working in a reputed IT firm and is happy eternally.

My dad is in his late 60ies, and he is not going to be any younger henceforth, given a chance I too would like to maximize my time with my parents today. They will not like to shift with me in Mumbai. It does not make any sense at all, after all it took dad so many year to build that house and he has lived all his life in Guwahati, at this age he will not like to resettle himself in an unknown city all over again. Moreover, I cannot go back to Guwahati for obvious reasons. Therefore, it leaves us with one option to meet each other once a year for few days, limiting our time with each other. I wonder is that time enough. I am not sure how much time actually is enough. However, I know this much that whatever time I have, I want to maximize it to the fullest. I do not want to end up regretting after 30 years from here, that I did not spend enough time with my parents, especially when I should have. Most often than not we tend to make this mistake, we get busy with our lives so much that we take things for granted easily. Then one fine end we realize our mistakes and it is often too late. In practical sense, it is not easy to balance everything; career, office, parents, friends, wife/gf, but happy man’s/woman’s are the ones who know the balancing art and execute it with ease.

Today I take this opportunity to tell my parents; “Mom and Dad: I love you”.  As I said before certain feeling do not require the expression of words but then there is no harm in it right? Whenever you get a chance, do express your love toward your parents  via which ever format you want, be it words or some other medium, can be anything but do express it. It will not only make your parents smile, it will make you feel happy from within.

Wo Twitter Aur Ghost

This post is about an interesting encounter someone had in twitter sometime back. Whether you believe in this story or not, is solely upto your discretion.  Do remember… “What we see might not always be true and what we don’t see doesn’t necessarily mean that it does not exist”.

Adi came to me few months back; he said he has an unusual story to tell. Ever since I have known him, all his stories have been unusual. Adi was a struggling writer, he wanted to make it big in the world of Cinema and television…he has written many scripts and mostly all has been rejected, so he always kept coming with his unique stories and I had to listen to his “similar” unique stories mostly.

However, that day was different, he came and rather than speaking about his new script or story idea, he told me that he has been talking to this female on twitter for some time now. For him it started as a normal regular conversation but slowly their likes and dislike matched, so did their creative interest. He also had spoken to her over phone couple of times and he kinda liked her voice and all. I was slightly amazed, coz it’s been more than 6 month now since Adi spoke to any strange girl, especially after the death of his girlfriend. He has been mentally disturbed since Piya died {one reason why I do not show any irritation to his constant emotional ranting}. He also has been visiting a psychiatrist on a regular basis, so I felt good that he might be coming in terms with life, and felt relieved for his parent’s, who has been dishing out a lot of money behind his medication and paying the hefty bill for the psychiatrist visits.

Then came the twist in the tale, he said after few telephonic conversation, they planned to meet each other one day. However, when he reached the address given by the girl, it turned out to be a church that was adjacent to a graveyard. When he called her up to figure out where she is, she asked him to come towards a particular graveyard. He did accordingly, only to find a dark road leading to the graveyard. He was a little scared as in it was extremely dark and dead silent, he did manage to gather his courage and move on with help from his mobile. As he went closer toward the graveyard, he could see some light few meters away, he decided to move toward the direction of light. While walking, all he could hear was his own footstep, his own breath and nothing else, in fact apart from that particular slight of light everything else was dark black. As he moved closer, his mobile died on him. His only other source of light in that dark grave yard was no longer with him, and left him with no other option then to find out his girl. He kept moving toward the direction of light shouting her name, but there was no response from anyone. After walking few meters, he again shouted her name, and it seems this time she replied. He started running towards the direction of the sound from where he heard her, as he wanted to rich there faster but suddenly he stopped and started running back toward the direction from where he came.

By this time I could see him sweating badly, I offered him some cold water and coke to chill-out. He then told me that when he went closer towards her, he could see a female sitting near the graveyard with her back toward him, when he went a little closer and she turned around at him and smiled…………after that all he did was he run as fast as he can toward the direction from where he came in…

Now that’s odd, for me the whole story was a fake imaginative stuff, I mean after all he is a creative nerd and I have heard many of this wired stories, this one sounded no different.. However, I could not tell him that on his face. So, when I asked for explanation he just told me that he will die in few days’ time. That sounded even more wired to me, die in few days’ time.. so that female was some god’s angel or something… what the crap, probably my practical sense did not allow me to take any of his word seriously, even his death sentence.

He also told me that the female was not for real, it seems she never existed… after that meeting he could not retrieved any information about her. It seems all her tweets were deleted, her phone number was wrong, her messages were not there, her fb a/c page was not there.. so much so that when he asked other common follower about her, it seems no one ever interacted with her.. All these details scared me a bit, after all I just saw karthik calling karthik.. could this be another similar case… well I was very sure about that fact that the whole story is his imagination and a world he created.. till the time when I got the news that he died…

I was shocked and was told by his parents that during the last few months, all the time, he kept telling them that he will die.. he will die soon… they tried doing every bit to save him, and he did show sign of improvement.. he behaved very normally but on and off would tell them that they should not try and spend too much money on him or have false hope that he will survive.

He eventually died, and with him died some unanswered question, did he actually meet any such woman? Was everything his imagination? Could this be because he was mentally unstable and have previously attempted suicide? Why did he felt he will die, as per him she just smiled at him, did the girl he meet at the graveyard actually told him anything? How could everything get deleted? I am sure there would some record something? And why didn’t I ask him the name of the girl, he never mentioned and I never asked? Was she a ghost? Do ghost actually exits? How do you know the person you are interacting with on any social networking site is actually real? What if one fine day you get to know that the person you have been speaking too all this while is dead since a long time? Will anyone believe you that you actually spoke to that person, even if you are speaking the truth? Does our practical sense prevents us from thinking the unimaginative? Too many questions, whose ans I don’t think anyone has, if you have, drop me a line…..

Bomb Blast, ULFA, Militancy – The Default Feeling

Born in a place that had already witnessed enough blood and struggle, it impacted my childhood somehow or the other…Whenever I use to tell people I am from Assam, they would immediately relate it to words such as “ULFA.. Militancy.. disturbance, Bomb Blast” …. There are few places in India which I guess will primarily known for all wrong things, for e.g  Kashmir, first reaction from people is always militant and insecurity… but if you ask people born in there, they will give you a completely different picture… similar is the case with Assam..

I remember when I left home and went to WB to do my engineering  the only thing people use to ask me about Assam were ULFA, militancy, SULFA, bomb blast… I use to wonder why are they so hyper about it, these very words havebeen part of my life for the last 18 odd years. since the time I have understood life, I have seen Bomb Blasts, shootout between CRPF and ULFA, have seen multiple “Bandh” (Strike).. its normal, why to be so hyper about it. Once an inquisitive senior during an “introductory session” (often referred by mass as Ragging) asked, “ tui Assam theke, ooi khane to khub boma baji hoi na” { you are from Assam, in that place Bomb Blast happens very frequently right}.  I said with a touch of frustration “ Ha hoi, eromo hoi che je ami ekta ilaka cross kore chi aar tar thik 5 min bade bomb blast hoi che, but akhon ar matter kore na, or bomb pothaye, amara pass diye chole jai” { yeah it happens, it also happened with me that I have cross one locality and after 5 odd minutes there’s been a bomb blast in that place. But now it doesn’t matter much, they keep bombing and we keep walking around it.} He gave a shocked look and left the room.

Not his fault, not sure whose fault it is either… all I know is that Assam is not about just ULFA and militancy and Bomb Blast.. its not just about the Bangladeshi insurgency and the Assam tea, there is more to it… the people, the culture, Shillong (Meghalaya)  is one of the most beautiful hill station in India, but I guess its human nature to only focus on the wrong side of the story rather than looking at the other possible plus points.

There’s been time when I haven’t reacted strongly against a bomb blast or militancy attack.. I haven’t voiced opinion as this is wrong and gruesome act by xyz… I haven’t, yes I haven’t may be coz since childhood I have seen enough blood shed, enough loss of lives..

It’s not that I don’t feel for them, I do and may be more than many other people, coz I have lost two of my school friend in the Oct 2008 serial bomb blast in Guwahati.. and one of them was about to get married to his Girlfriend same year December time frame.. When I went to meet the girl, she was shattered, she said we fought everything and everyone for the last 7 years to reach this stage, but never learned to fight death, how do anyone fight death.. I had no answer to it..  Infact when I was in school there was Bomb blast which if would have happened say 15-20 minutes earlier, I would not have seating here and writing today.

The point I want to ask everyone is, I have witnessed bomb blast since childhood, I have seen violence, Military patrolling the city on a regular basis, have seen dad sending me to tuition and school in his office car coz of security reason.. have seen my school friend whose dad served the Army coming with body guard and they didn’t allow him to play cricket with us coz of security concerns, have seen blood on the road for days.. have seen dead bodies minus some parts been taken away.… have grown with such issues, so today when I do see bomb blast or bandh (Strike) been called or militancy issue, I don’t react instantly.. at times I don’t react only… its like by default these things have become a part of my life.. I might come across as a moron who doesn’t care about lives of other and a jerk.. But it’s just that I am more patience towards reacting to such sensitive issues.. or you can say clueless about how to react… whatever it is.. am I wrong??

But you know what my biggest scare is, will my children grown up with same feeling, coz what I have witnessed in one ignored part of the country, I can see it spreading across the nation. The terrorist activities, Bomb blast across all cities, every now and then High alert across the country.. the picture doesn’t look to bright.. will today’s generation also grow up with similar feeling, accepting bomb blast, terrorism etc as a regular default part of their life… that is one of my biggest scare and worry..

P.S – Though I must admit that things have changed drastically since the time I have come out of home and I am hoping that the change is positive…  Assam is a wonderful place and a must visit for people who haven’t gone there… just don’t go there for Tea gardens there is more to it.. specially the people of assam are among the sweetest I have ever come across…  go experience the beauty..

I will leave you with few pics of Ma Kamakhaya temple, one of the most famous and known religious temple… and few pics of Guwahati…

Some Love Stories are known for their Incompleteness

“Happy Anniversary dear,  You liked the Dress I kept on the table”

“Happy Anniversary, Yeah it is nice, will wear it in the evening party, thank you. Hope your flight is on time, you know na party starts sharp at 10:00”.

“Yup I have boarded the flight and it seems to be on time, In fact here comes the announcement to switch off the cell, will call you once I am back, bye.. Happy Anniversary once again”

“ok Safe journey, bye.. Come soon”.

Today marks the 5th anniversary of our marriage, one of the best thing that has happened to me. Never really imagined that God would be so kind to me and would gift me with such a wonderful wife… its been a journey worth every minute of it…

She has an uncanny neck of understanding everything even before me uttering a word, by just looking in my eyes she will know what exactly it is…

Everything seemed perfect minus the guilt that I have carried deep inside my heart for the last 5 years.  It’s dangerous how sometime our inner most wish comes true and hits us in turn.  At time knowingly or unknowingly we wish for something and when it does come true, we end up realizing that it was probably a wish not worth wishing for.

I have known Ria for close to about 8 years now… still remember the day when we meet at my friend’s place, we chatted like anything. It was the time when I was trying to leave behind my past and move on in life and she was planning for her PhD. As destiny or whatever it is called have it, we ended up being on the same city, my new job and her new college… life seemed to be on track with her company.. somehow I was able to move on in life minus the past memories and thoughts.. she filled my life with new gist and excitement…  and somehow I allowed myself to be moved away by her warmth and love..slowly but surely she occupied the important spot in my heart which was void for sometime now..often people term the whole feeling as “falling in love”..

I didn’t let her know about my feelings .. I wanted to take my time and not rush into it unlike last time… But as faith will have it, when I thought its the right time to tell her, she introduced me to her Boyfriend…

So that was it, end of another incomplete love story of mine, I suppressed my feeling and continued to be her good friend…never allowed my feeling come in between our friendship. Was a tough job, but I managed well… But every time her Boyfriend would come, or she would speaks to him.. somehow not sure why but one side of my heart use to wish that something should happen and they should have a break-off, or the guy might die before the marriage and I will end up marrying her.. something should happen.. though soon the other side of me use to interfere and like a good chap use to say I should not be thinking like that, so mean of me and similar stuff… and mostly my heart use to end up been a sandwich between such thoughts…

But I guess deep down I always wished that I could have her in my life as my life partner, in the process I use to end up wishing bad things for the guy…. Deep down somewhere, I always use to wish that something should happen, something that will ensure that this time my love doesn’t fail… and one fine day my deep desire came true… my deepest wish was granted……  The guy died in an unfortunate event…

Ria did not broke down, she has always been a strong woman.. her love towards him was so deep that even death or probably my dark deep wish, couldn’t knock it off …. He lived in her heart forever.. she never cried, never complained, surely she was hurt and was in a state of shock, but she never expressed her feeling to anyone, not even to me, but I knew her, her eyes told me the whole story… I knew what she is been going through, I know her..

She always told me that no one can replace him and his love, I still remember she said “love is not just about the physical presence, there is more to it, something which is so divine that even if the person physically is not there, you still feel the warmth”… true that is, may be my love is not that pure, or may be it is, but probably the greed inside me forced me to wish something so dread full… I don’t know what it is, but whatever it is… deep inside I am guilty of a crime which knowingly or unknowingly I committed.

We eventually got Married; she has been a wonderful wife, understanding, adjusting, have taken care of both my family and hers with equal ease.  I seriously couldn’t have asked for a better companion… but still the love is missing.. the love that I saw in her eye for the guy, the love that I always wanted to see in her eye for me… but I have accepted the role of a best friend…She always loved me, even though as a friend only, but she did.. I am her best friend first and husband later…. I wish one day I could get rid of the inner albatross of the wish which unknowingly I wished…   I Wish one day I can see the same love in her eye, which I always wanted to see….

Some love stories are known for their incompleteness… both mine and Ria’s love story is one such..